Arrested in Tuscaloosa

Almost.

Caitlin attends the University of Alabama, and Sarah was going to spend the weekend with her and attend the Alabama - Auburn game, or the "Iron Bowl," as they call it. So I dropped her off at the dorm and stopped in at a Sam's Club before returning home to do a little shopping.

No problems yet.

It was around 1:00 and I thought I'd check with Susan and see if I needed to look for anything that we missed on Black Friday, and grab a bite to eat at the world-famous Sam's Club dining facility. Hot dog and a coke was $1.70. Hey, at least you can't beat the price.

So I gobbled down the drink and coke, threw away my trash (it was disgusting how some people are animals and left their leftover food wrappers, receipts, and drinks on a table without cleaning it themselves. So I was careful to make sure I threw away all the trash.)

A quick look around, a refill on my Diet Lemonade ("one for the road,") and I was headed out the door.

The Sam's Club Police Force stopped me before I made it through the door.

"Sir, I have to see your receipt."

I was startled. I looked to see if I was carrying something, or picked up something absent-mindedly and forgot to check out. I hadn't.

"Ma'am, I don't have a receipt. For what?"

"Your drink. We have to check receipts for drinks."

OK, so I figured I was on Candid Camera. If I'm ever placed in one of those shows, I am determined to have a good time with it. So I practice--sometimes daily, it seems, in my wonderful state of residence.

"I don't have a receipt for my drink," I told her.

"Did you ever have a receipt," she asked?

"Yes, a long time ago, I had a receipt." I then looked at her to see if she would ask the next question.

"How long ago?"

Meanwhile, of course, there is a crowd lining up behind me. It's 1:00, and the "Iron Bowl" and everyone wearing the same color of crimson red in the store is anxious to get home, or to "the Quad" at Alabama and watch the game. The Sam's Club Police Force and I are holding up their plans.

"I didn't look at my watch when I bought it. It was today, though. Does that help?"

"Well, where is the receipt for your drink," she asked me?

I hesitated before giving this answer--I thought it might present trouble. But I plodded ahead.

"I never got a receipt for a drink," I told her.

"I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD A RECEIPT," The Sam's Club Police Force bellowed.

As calmly and politely as I can be, I explain to her that I had a receipt, but the receipt was for the hot dog and drink special--it was $1.70, plus tax. I told her that while I never had a receipt for the drink, I did have a receipt for the drink and hot dog. And I wasn't carrying the hot dog any more because I had eaten it.

"OK," she said. "Can I see your receipt for the hot dog and drink special?"

"Well, I don't have it," I told her, and cringed. I knew that wouldn't be an answer she liked.

"YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD IT," she bellowed--again--before reaching for her gun and handcuffs. OK, so she didn't have a gun and handcuffs. But she did place her hands on her hips and look mean at me.

"Where is it?" Ahh, now a question I can answer.

"It's in the garbage can," I told her. It's right next to the hot dog wrapper I used. If you want to find it, it's the one for the hot dog and drink special for $1.70, and the wrapper will have a small mustard and pickle relish stain on it, as that's what I put on my hot dog before I ate it. Which is why I am not carrying the hot dog."

The Sam's Club Police Force then began the arrest process. They called a Magistrate Judge over to get an arrest warrant, otherwise known as "The Supervisor."

"Sir, hold on here. I have to call my Supervisor."

The line behind me grew longer, and more menacing. I pointed to the lady as she turned so that the people would know who to blame. It probably did not help that I was wearing my blue Kentucky 1998 NCAA basketball championship Windshirt, but at least it wasn't Auburn colors.

The Judge arrived, and began considering whether to issue the arrest warrant.

"Sir, where is your receipt," she (another she--good to see females in the Judiciary, I thought) asked.

"It's in the garbage can. People are such animals, I offered. There were people leaving their wrappers, drink cups and receipts on the tables. I threw away mine." I thought I might get some points for being enviromentally-friendly. I noticed Sam's Club was selling the environmentally friendly reusable shopping bags at their counters, and thought that might score me some brownie points. But the I remembered that I wasn't really being ecologically friendly, I just picked up my trash and contributed to more garbage, so that probably wouldn't work. Plus I still didn't have my receipt.

She looked perplexed.

I offered a solution.

"Tell you what," I said. "How about if I finish this drink, and throw it away in the garbage can next to my hot dog wrapper and my receipt, and walk out again. Will that work?"

The lady looked pleased. "Yes sir, that will work, she told me." The Judge walked away.

So I walked back to the dining area and had a second thought. Plus, I wanted something to drink "for the road," so I got a little more refill (I had been sipping on it during the ordeal). I looked around, and saw one of the receipts lying on a table. I scooped it up, and began walking back through the line.

"Sir, you said you were going to throw that away," Tuscaloosa County's finest Sam's Club Police Force member told me.

"I changed my mind," I told her. "I wanted a drink for the road." After thinking about how that sounded, I corrected myself. "I wanted a diet lemonade for the road."

"But you can't take it out without a receipt," she told me.

"And here it is," as I proudly displayed someone else's receipt.

She started to say something--I'm not sure what--and then shook her head, scribbled a black line over the receipt, and handed it back to me. Not wanting to litter my car, I promptly took it back, threw it away in the garbage can in the dining facility, and walked out.

I glanced back, and the entire Sam's Club Police Force on duty had her head down, and was shaking it from side to side. I think she saw all the receipts and hot dog wrappers on the tables and was surprised people didn't clean that up.