Had a friend of mine in Kentucky tell me that he received his water bill, and it revealed that he had used 996,000 gallons of water last month. The bill was $2,067.00. It was in error, and his water company fixed it, but not before a momentary shock hit him.
He reminded me of the story I told him last year while Birmingham was in a drought, with water shortages resulting in "upcharges," and restrictions. Here's the story I told him at that time. Refresh your coffee; it's a long one.
I'm not *the* most earth-friendly person on the planet, but I do my part. We recycle papers, plastics, etc. by dropping them at a depositary a few miles from our house (Heardmont Park). I have installed low-flow shower heads in every bathroom, and low-flow faucets in every sink. We purchased a front-loading, water-mising, top-rated washing machine last Fall that holds one of the biggest loads you can run. In a family of seven, these things add up. Or so I thought.
So the other day I'm reading my newspaper, and I see where the water board has implemented surcharges for going over an allotted amount of water usage each month. I don't know what we use on a regular basis, so I call customer service to discuss the matter with them.
I tell them that I have a large family, and I am concerned about our water usage, so I wanted to see how much water we have been using.
"Do you have your old bills," she asks me?
No ma'am--I pay my bills online, and throw them away when they are paid.
"Some people keep all their bills for tax purposes," she tells me.
I'm thinking, what kind of homeowner keep a water company bill for tax purposes, but I don't say that out loud. I'm not getting a good vibe from the early parts of the conversation.
"No, ma'am, I don't keep mine for tax purposes. I don't deduct my water usage, so that's not one of the bills I keep."
"OK--can you give me your account number?"
Again, I feel inadequate, because I do not have my account number. I eagerly volunteer to her that I know my address, and she says she can look it up from there. I feel adequate again.
"You have no problem," she tells me. You usually use 13,000 or 14,000 CCFs."
I ask her if I can water my lawn.
"Sure, she says. But don't go over your allotment."
I ask her what my allotment is, since I haven't heard it called that.
"12,000 CCF's," she tells me.
My math isn't the greatest, but I remember my > (greater than) signs from grade school, and we seem to already be on the wrong side of the < mark.
"Ma'am, it looks like we are already over what we are supposed to use."
"You're wasting water," she bites. I don't know where that came from, as she suddenly becomes hostile.
"I don't think so," I tell her. I then proceed to tell her the water-saving things that we've done, but explain that with an active family of seven, including five kids who sometimes get themselves and their clothes dirty, it requires water to clean them and to feed and irrigate them.
"You let your water run when you brush your teeth, don't you," she asks me?
I use the Sonic care toothbrush that stays on for two minutes, and never, ever have I let the water run. I tell her that.
"Somebody in your house is letting the water run when they brush their teeth," she tells me as if it is a mathematical axiom that I did not learn when I was learning my "greater than/less than" signs.
I tell her that I really don't think that's the case, but that we have a large family, and water usage is required. But that I'll do a toothbrush check tonight, and make sure that everybody knows not to let the water run while their toothbrush is going.
"How do you water your lawn," she asks me next.
I don't, I tell her. That's part of the reason I was calling--I wanted to try to stay within all the guidelines, but my grass is dying, and needs water.
"Do you have a 55-gallon drum," she inquires upon receiving that response?
My kneejerk reaction is to tell her I have hundreds, or thousands of them because the question seems so absurd to me, but instead, I tell her no.
"You should get one. Then you can put your bathwater in the 55-gallon drum, and use it to water your lawn. That would save you water right there." She is apparently very pleased with my answer and her response, and I get a "so there," kinda feeling through the phone lines.
The absurdity of the entire thing has become comical at this point, and I want to remind her that it would not save any water, since I'm not using any water to irrigate my lawn at all, but I let that minor detail go. Instead, I start thinking about the 55-gallon drum and my bathwater.
"I don't take baths," I tell her. "I use showers."
(Now my 6-year old and 8-year olds take baths. But I wasn't going to tell her that, at least not at this point. Would lose the comic value).
"You probably take too long of a shower," she scolds me as if I am my 6-year old child.
I get pretty dirty, I tell her, and that it takes a certain amount of water to get me clean. I ask her if the water company knows how long of a shower I take, and express concern that their monitors would be that good. She misses the latent sarcasm.
"Everybody wastes water in the shower," she states matter-of-factly, as if that's another mathematical axiom I missed in grade school.
I think back about the 55-gallon drum, and thinking I'd be helpful, I tell her that maybe I can move the 55-gallon drum that I don't have into the shower with me while I shower, and that it would catch the water that doesn't hit my body, and is otherwise wasted.
She admires my creativity, but throws up a roadblock--
"Sir, will it fit in the shower with you in it?"
I express shock, and ask if the water company not only monitors the water usage in my shower, but can "see me" and knows how big I am.
"No, no" she tells me as if I am completely serious. "The 55-gallon drums are big, and I didn't know if it would fit in your tub."
My shock turns to a feigned relief, and I tell her not to worry, that I take a shower in a true shower, which is large enough for my body as well as the 55-gallon drum.
"Good, it'll work then." She's happy we've found a way to save water. I then decide to pull the rug out from under her then.
"Do you know if water is heavy," I ask her? When I fill the 55-gallon drum up with the water from my shower that does not hit my body, and then carry it downstairs so I can dump it out on my lawn, will it be heavy?"
"Yes sir, it'll be heavy. I recommend that you bring it down before you fill it."
I asked her if she meant bring it down when it was half-full, and she explained that the 55-gallon drum should be empty when it is brought down, and stay on my lawn. She then tells me that she guesses my idea won't work of keeping the drum in the shower with me, since it'll capture the water from the shower before I can move it.
Not wanting to push my luck on the conversation, I thank her, and tell her that it looks like I have a problem with the surcharges and exceeding my allotment.
Relieved that she appears to be getting rid of me, she attempts to alleviate my concerns--"No sir, you don't have a problem," she tells me. "Just pay it."
And that was my answer. No problem--just pay it.
Postscript--if you think this lady was in jest in talking to me about the 55-gallon drum, I saw the Birmingham Water Works on the news last night telling people to......save their bathwater in 55-gallon drums, and use it to water their lawn. The lady on the news may have been funnier--she actually said that everybody that lived in a house or apartment should have one (55-gallon drum).
I'm expecting to drive by local apartments and see hundreds, or thousands, of 55-gallon drums based upon her recommendations. I knew I should've bought all those drums I was going to tell the lady I owned. What a secondary market that could've been.
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